| p>There a joke that goes like this. Have you | | | | door where the meeting is in session, and the |
| heard about the weapon called the estrogen | | | | chair asks you to wait outside. Your eyes meet |
| bomb? It's dropped onto a battlefield, and | | | | your boss's eyes, and she looks very unhappy to |
| immediately everyone throws down their | | | | see you. |
| weapons, hugs someone from the other side, and | | | | You wait outside for an hour, and you suffer. You |
| says, "I'm so sorry, this was all my fault." And | | | | think, "She really doesn't want me at this meeting. |
| then everyone pitches in and cleans up the mess. | | | | I shouldn't have come. But she knew I was |
| While this behavior may be more characteristic of | | | | planning to come. And she has my cell phone |
| women than of men, I know plenty of men who | | | | number, so she could have called me. But boy, did |
| also tend to think it's their fault when things don't | | | | she look like she didn't want me here. I've made a |
| go well, and who take responsibility for cleaning up | | | | mistake." When you are finally invited into the |
| whatever messes they find themselves in. | | | | meeting, you find out they had been in executive |
| The tendency to automatically feel responsible for | | | | session dealing with an earlier agenda item that |
| whatever's going wrong can be | | | | had nothing to do with you. Your boss and the |
| counterproductive, and it's worth examining on a | | | | board are glad to see you. You are profoundly |
| case by case basis. Here are some examples. | | | | relieved. And drained from assuming your boss's |
| 1. You have an arborist come to your home to | | | | unhappy look was about you! Bottom line, before |
| give you an estimate on some tree work you | | | | beating yourself to a bloody pulp for doing |
| need done. He angrily rants and raves about how | | | | something wrong, consider some of the other |
| irresponsible you have been with your trees. You | | | | possibilities, including that it may not be about you |
| feel terrible, guilty, wrong. Later, when you take a | | | | at all. |
| comparative look around your yard and your | | | | 3. When I was a systems analyst, one of my |
| neighborhood, you notice that your trees and | | | | projects was to develop a database system for |
| shrubs look about the same as those of your | | | | our client, a federal agency. It turned out that the |
| neighbors, and in your humble opinion, they all look | | | | systems analysts in the agency office in D.C. did |
| pretty OK. Bottom line, it is never appropriate for | | | | not really want us (me) to develop this system |
| a vendor (or anyone!) in your home to angrily rant | | | | for them -- they wanted to develop it |
| and rave at you. Period. Consider having this | | | | themselves. So they refused to cooperate or |
| statement in your perpetual repertoire: "I will not | | | | collaborate with me, and the project blew up in |
| tolerate your speaking to me in that tone of | | | | my face. I was devastated. I thought it was all |
| voice." If he does not tone it down, I recommend | | | | my fault. My wonderful boss said to me, "This is |
| that you end the meeting and make him leave. | | | | not your fault. I see what you are doing -- you |
| 2. Your boss, the executive director of the | | | | are blaming yourself for this. Stop doing that. This |
| not-for-profit where you work, knows you are | | | | is not your fault. And let's hope it's better for our |
| planning to attend the board meeting at which | | | | daughters." |
| your project will be discussed. You are out of | | | | Bottom line, it's not always your fault, even if it |
| town the 2 days prior to the board meeting, as | | | | feels that way. When it feels that way, check it |
| planned, for a family event, and you get back in | | | | out somehow. Don't just suffer. There's a chance |
| time for the second part of the meeting, when | | | | you're needlessly suffering from an estrogen |
| your project is on the agenda. You knock on the | | | | bomb. |